Lonesome Town

So sang Rick Nelson, as immortalized on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack:

There's a place where lovers go
To cry their troubles away
And they call it Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay

Recently I heard the song and it reminded me of bella - sigh- Since bella and I broke up five years ago (wow- I didn't realize it's been that long), I decided not to 'date' for the sake of dating. I'll be honest, it took me two years to get over her. I know it sounds pathetic, but such it was an intense relationship- and I can honestly say I love her with all my heart. Yes I said love, not loved, because I still cherish her. I don't know if that will ever go away, completely. Anyways, we broke up primarily because of intense pressure from our respective families. Our parents put down the hammer, and we were unfairly forced to make a choice that anyone who has been in love should ever have to make: them or us. Well you know how it ended.

I decided not to date, because my rationale was if a non-muslim girl is not acceptable to my parents, then what was the point? Personally, perhaps I have a naive view of the world- I think all differences can be overcome, and I believe in humanity and goodwill. At the same time I bristled at being 'forced' to choose within my 'own kind'. In effect, I decided it was better to be alone than go through the agony of wanting to be with someone, and having to crush the hopes and wishes of my family. At the time I thought if I was stronger, I would stand up to them. It's now I realize that the path I took, one of solitude, required far greater strength. Don't get me wrong, I fought for bella- we're talking about massive, epic fights. It culminated in my father saying that I could what I like, but neither I, my wife, or my family were ever welcome in his house. Those are tough words to hear. I don't think until you actually have to hear those words for yourself, until you are faced with that ultimatum, that one truly understand the magnitude and weight of that decision.

So I decided to go it alone. At first it was, surprisingly, easy. My heart, which was in about a million different pieces, didn't even accept wanting to talk/date/interact with any other girl. I was listless. Like a zombie. Just living out the days, and sleeping out of exhaustion every night. I spent two years like that. I had a simple routine:
- Go to work for 13 hours
- Go to the gym for 2 hours
- Come home and read for 3 hours
- Toss and turn in bed 2 hours
- Sleep fitfully for 4
- Rinse and repeat

Well the sun also rises- piece by piece I put myself together. I reached a sense of equilibrium. There were two words that I would repeat to myself everyday:
Remember
Balance
That's it. Remember. Balance. Remember. Balance. I said that every day. One of the many books I read at the time recommended this simple exercise as a way of clearing your mind i.e. find a word or two that has meaning for you, then say it, see it, embrace it, eventually you will find peace. So my turmoil, slowly, one day at a time, eased from pain to ache, and from ache to, eventually, a memory.

So what did I learn when I was in the Fortress of Solitude?
- You are stronger than you think
- You are weaker than you can imagine
- Patience is a learned quality
- Time is your enemy but also your friend
- Your character means more than your personality

I don't think I ever broadcast to anyone, how I felt. No no this was all internalized. Perhaps that would've helped? As I emerged from The Fortress, people mentioned that I seemed to have this inner resolve, that somehow I embodied gravitas. I like that word- gravitas*.

At that time, it occurred to me, that I could be surrounded by all these people: friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, well wishers, fans, and enemies, yet nobody had a clue or an inkling how lonely I felt. What's the saying? Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink?

Since then- I have dated- and opened up in my own way I guess. I dated a Penelope Cruz look-alike, an All-American Girl, and even The Girl Next Door. Last July (nearly a year ago?) I thought I met my match. Finally! It seemed like a match made in heaven, you tell me if this sounds like a good fit:

- Half Pakistani- Half English (I'm half-pak half-whitewashed:)
- Grew up in Kuwait (as did I partly)
- Attended to the American School (not ASK but it's ugly stepsister- AIS)
- Went to university in Canada (Toronto, I went to McGill)
- Worked at IBM in Dubai (I worked in tech)
- Loves Seinfeld (not that there's anything wrong with that)
- Was not hyper-religious (religion- as you can imagine- bothers me)

Anyways, our mothers had met, and thought it was a great idea for us to at least start talking. I was skeptical. I was like look this is lame, what the f9ck am I supposed to say to someone I've never met? I mean KH having an 'arranged' anything just seemed contrary to my entire existence! KH was someone who took the long and winding road, where things just magically seem to work out, this was too 'predetermined' etc. My mom was like, I'm going to email you her picture and I said...NO. Why? Well I didn't want her looks to bias my opinion. And I thought it was, uh, lame.

So I picked up the phone and gave her a call:
- we talked for 2 hours
I was like, 'Hmm...".
The next day I called her again:
- we talked for 3 hours
I thought to myself, 'Ha! Whatever, KH can get along with anyone..."
That weekend I called her again:
- we talked all night
Now I thought to myself, 'KH you're f2cked!'

- to be continued-

* Gravitas (from Latin) is a quality of substance or depth of personality- specifically dignity, seriousness, and duty- it is one of the several virtues that ancient Roman society expected men to possess