California

The first step to improvement, is acknowledging the problem- understanding the underlying reasons for it comes later. My problem is that I don't live in today, I'm always thinking ahead and feeling impatient about my perfect future. The grass isn't greener on the other side, for me, the grass is greener two years from now. So by 'living' ahead I don't appreciate what I have today, I don't fully enjoy life, nor do I fully take advantage of all that surrounds me. Why am I like that?

As you know I've been contemplating a graduate degree next year, and suffice to say it's been the source of some disruption in my everyday thought process. I'm considering graduate programs, primarily in England, and have always imagined that grad school would be a wonderful and enriching part of my life- I'll be surrounded by great minds, great ideas, and will flourish to become an enlightened person (I realize this is a very Renaissance approach to grad school- I guess I am a Romantic after all?). As I've been thinking about this constantly, it occurred to me:

I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, San Francisco. Why would I want to leave?

California is an idea. California is manifest destiny. California is where dreams are born and realized. So why in the world should I leave all of this? More importantly, let's say I do go and get my masters degree in England, why shouldn't I come back*? San Francisco is an amazing (and hilly) city, culturally vibrant, quaint, unique, ethically diverse, with a great number of opportunities for enriching your life. So why I can't I just enjoy it? Why can't I just stay here?

I don't have all the answers. I think part of the reason is that I put great pressure on myself to be successful and constantly stress about whether I'm guiding my life in the right direction. I'm a cliche- I'm in such a hurry to get to the end, that I forget to smell the roses. Intuitively, I know it's the journey that counts, however my creative side has fallen prey to my aspirations. So, I, as a result, don't take advantage of this wonderful city, to its full potential. Is it worth it? I don't know, I doubt it. I'd like to change, and I'm going to try my best to enjoy life today, but it's a difficult proposition when you're on your own.

Today should be a celebration about how much I've achieved in my life, and how I've done it singlehandedly. However, rather than look back and regale in my accomplishments, my eyes are staring blankly at the mountain in front of me. So, I don't stop, except to pause at times and wonder why I don't enjoy life today? Then I continue climbing. It's a lonely road.

*Once I've left a place, I've never returned. That's just the way it's been in my life.