Fear

I'm not sure why I'm saying this here. Perhaps I need to vent? Perhaps by sharing my burden, it will lessen the weight on my own shoulders? Hmm...I should be stronger.

I found out today that my father has had chest pain. He's scheduled to see a heart specialist, and, as a lifelong smoker, it's of obvious concern*. My parents avoided telling me at first, so I would not, unnecessarily, worry (which I understand, but feel angry about all the same). I also feel terrible guilt that I've been away from my parents for as long as I have. But it's been out of necessity, not choice. This weighs heavily on my conscience and has not been easy to reconcile in my own mind. I should be there for my parents, they need my support. I know all the rationale and logic reasons for how 'this is not my fault' but I can't help but feel that somehow I've let them down. I'm a bad son.

If you see your father today, give him a hug- Right now, I wish I could hug Pa.

*One of the major reasons the engagement was called off in December was that Lana had the nerve to say, "Your family is going to be a liability." I can't begin to write what I think about that comment.