Transformers

I have been waiting my entire life for this movie.

It's Over

Sorry fans, I realize I've been Missing In Action. As it happens so often in life, and seemingly more often in mine, there was a perfect storm of events this week:

• Deliverable due for a project that was ending after 2 months of client hand-holding
• Moving
• Friend visiting from London

Essentially I was working 14-15 hour days, which as you can imagine, left very little time for anything else. However Thursday night the movers finally showed up, packed up all my stuff and put it in the pod. There was a very uncomfortable conversation on Thursday with the rental office. Essentially I had called on Tuesday and taken permission to get this 'pod' placed outside my building based on their recommendation. On Thursday, I left work over lunch to coordinate the pod delivery- however when the pod was being delivered, there was a landscaping truck parked in that spot. It had been a long week and I was trying to retain my patience. I called the rental office and the following exchange took place:

"Well sir even before you have the pod placed, I'm telling you right now you can't leave it overnight"

"Uh that's not what I was told yesterday"

"Yes sir, but we're telling you now, you can't leave it there overnight"

As you can imagine, or maybe you can't, I wigged out. I mean I ripped them a new orifice. Net net, I got the pod placed where we agreed upon originally, and not only did I leave it overnight, I left for two nights. Wow rebel without a cause.

Anyways Friday shaped up to be a much better day, as it was the culmination of a long 2 weeks:

• Deliverable complete, reviewed, and out the door by noon
• Saved $500 on a hotel room- m new apartment complex said I can move in a week early
• Got a raise! I finished Year 1 of being Mr. Management Consultant :)

I left work early and headed into the city to meet up with my friend from London and another friend, this girl named Fajita*. We had sushi for dinner, checked out the iPhone launch at the Apple store in downtown SF**, hung out at the tony Clift Hotel and eventually headed over to the bar at the Cortez (where the windows are painted a'la Mondrian). We celebrated his recent book deal with Harvard Business School Press with a magnum of champagne and, of course, ended the night with a late night snack at a diner. All in all a great end to a hectic couple of weeks!

*Fajita has hooked me up with one of her girlfriends, I have to call her this week, more on that later

**The Apple store was like a zoo, and we waited 30 minutes before we got our hands on an iPhone...out of all the iPhones in the store I got my hands on one that had crashed! It was frozen. I turned to a helper and he's like 'uh...." so as a joke I said, "I can't believe I waited all day to see the iPhone and it crashed!". Well Mr. Helper did not take too kindly to my sardonic humor and nearly went psycho on me..."WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" We eventually got to see one, and yes, it is very very cool. As an aside, when I walked in the store, I asked a helper, "Hey is Steve here?" and he's like, "Steve Jobs?", and I'm like "No the other one." ! WTF! Obviously Steve Jobs numbnuts.

Can't Breathe

So my anxiety has started manifesting itself in a completely new way: suffocation. Previously I have experienced:

• Insomnia (my old friend)
• Migraines (another old friend)
• Hives (twice)

However the suffocation is new. It's literally like I can't breathe. I have to make an effort. Sources of stress recently:

1. Finding a new apartment (the apartment I wanted, the one with the high ceilings was rented out unbeknownst to me because it was 'first come first serve' a fact they neglected to mention when I spoke to them a day earlier!)
2. Moving by this weekend- I did find a replacement apartment, but now have to schedule movers to pack all my worldly possessions into a pod.
3. Grad school- will I get in? will I get recommendations? what if I don't get in? when will I study for GMAT? how will I pay for it? what will I do afterwards?
4. Work- not really a cause for stress, even though I work 70 hours a week, it just doesn't leave time/energy for much else

I guess one of the things that bothers me, more and more, is solitude. I'm feeling more incomplete than usual nowadays. I don't know why that is. I feel somewhat discombobulated (always liked that word, it's a fun word to say). I have never been one to 'look' for something, but I will admit that there are times that I wonder how things would've been different if a small situation here, or a element of chance there, had tipped in another direction? Well coincidence, happenstance, and luck have smiled upon me before, and you can't plan the most wonderful things in life. I must remain patient, and not succumb to my wandering mind, because I know the magic my heart holds.

Weekend

So the weekend has finally arrived and I have a full agenda:

• Check out a new apartment- yes friends I've realized my one bedroom is too big for my needs and I'm moving to a deluxe studio. I found this old colonial building which has studio with cathedral ceilings and a skylight. So I'll be moving- which in of itself is a major task and I'm not really looking forward to it. I have, as usual, not packed anything and will rely on the movers to do everything. Now I just have to sign a lease and hire the movers...in the next 5 days!

• Tour guide- a college buddy is in town, so I'll be playing tour guide. Yesterday we drove around the city and checked out such illustrious SF landmarks such as the City Lights Bookstore, Chinatown, and of course, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. Today the plan is to hit the suburbs and check out the manufactured fun at Santana Row. For other activities- since he's staying at the posh Clift Hotel in SF (which in my opinion is more hype than luxury)- I told him to hit up the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday- the newspaper headline reads: Ready, Set, Gay! Hahaha.

In sum it's a been a long week, I've probably logged 75 hours. We had a client deliverable to get out the door and, as usual, had to turn things around in less time than we had available. I did manage to sleep 9 hours on Friday night, but I still feel tired.

The Wisdom of Winnie the Pooh

There's a book called the Tao of Pooh, for some it may seem ridiculous- after all it compares the sayings of an illustrated bear to classic Eastern philosophy...however I wonder if it's such a bad idea?

For someone entrenched in the grind of life, Pooh is my opposite- 'Pooh epitomizes the 'uncarved block' as he is well in tune with his natural inner self. Pooh enjoys simple pleasures and the daily progress of life.' I am obviously not Poohesque in my approach to life (I wish I was though). I thought it would be fun for you to read some of Winnie's sayings, here are some that I liked:

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember- you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart- I'll always be with you.”

“You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.”

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.”

“You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... you have to go to them sometimes.”

“The hardest part is what to leave behind, ... It's time to let go!”

Maybe there is some wisdom in Winnie the Pooh after all? I think some of these have a sad quality about them, about how ephemeral life can be? I'm not sure. What do you think?

Sigur Rós

My new favorite band, Sigur Rós, simply rocks. Their sound can best be described as melodic, classical and minimalist. What I really like is their progressive attitude towards Web 2.0 consumers- rather than force you to buy their songs or listen to tiny preview clips, on their website you can download many of their tracks for free.

Oh and here's a shout out to the 'Jam Shed' in London for introducing me to SR- when I'm in London we shall listen to the idiots at Hyde Park Corner and engage them in witty, but pointless, banter. Indeed.

80s Music

Okay I admit it- I love 80s music. As a charter member of the MTV Generation, I have to love 80s music- it's a requirement. Honestly though 80s music, despite it's ultimate cheesiness (which is a major contributing factor for its all-round awesomeness), simply is awesome. The 80s sound was heavily produced and was primarily driven by synth-electronic tracks, rock/metal/guitar while great is not 'true' 80s music (no offense Guns N Roses, Scorpions, and Bon Jovi). So, having said that, here's a list of 80s songs that'll get stuck in your head, and will have you cursing the day you read this post :) Enjoy:

• Walk like an Egyptian- The Bangles- I think they are super hot (Bangles not Egyptians)
• The Warrior- Patti Smyth- What can be better than repeating "I am a warrior" 126x?
• Shout- Tear for Fears- Didn't like the song when it first came out, but it rocks now
• Land Down Under- Men At Work- Reggae-sounding Aussies are hype!
• The Reflex- Duran Duran- How did they do the water effect in the video?
• Dancing in the Dark- Bruce Springsteen- yes that is Courtney Cox dancing on-stage
  
• Karma Chameleon- Culture Club- FYI -'Red, Gold and Green' are Jamaican colors
• Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics- A friend met Annie Lennox in SF said she was awesome
• Into the Groove- Madonna- still considered a dance club legend
• Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order- one of my personal favorites*
• Sunglasses at Night- Corey Hart- "Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades"

To be perfectly honest, I could've made a list of entirely of just Madonna, Michael Jackson, Depeche Mode, and Duran Duran independently. That, however, would've been too obvious**

* How great are these lyrics?

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

**I must say however that 'Rio' by Duran Duran is a great song, and the video was phenomenal

Wisdom of Trees

I like trees. Not in a tree-hugger-deforestation-global-warming-fanatic sense. They have personality. Perhaps it's from living in Pennsylvania (which has a lot of trees)? I'm not entirely sure.

Here is a tree that I pass by every day on my way to work, that's a three story building next to it, to give you a sense of it's presence and scale. It's seems very wise and strong. Although by growing sideways perhaps it's indicating that it's not friends with the building?

From my window, at work, I can look out at mountains near San Francisco, the mountains have lots of trees as well. It can be quite hypnotic, gazing out at the details in the evergreens (the camera phone doesn't quite do it justice). On some mornings I can see the fog, hanging low over the hills, like a velvet blanket. If I sat on the other side of the building, I could see the ocean and the bay, but I prefer to look at the trees. The ocean has a nebulous, churning, and unknown quality...and as we all know, we're afraid of the unknown :) I much prefer the trees and their wisdom and tranquility.

Clarity

I'm in Las Vegas, waiting for my connection to SF. This trip provided me with a good opportunity to assess where I stand in terms of my life goals and where I want to be. It's funny, but when the plane takes off, I find that time to be quite hypnotic. Staring out the window, all those little lights blinking in the distance.

One of the things I realized is that I need to further simplify my life. As you probably know by now, my life is fairly spartan and minimal. That is by design. However there is room for improvement. Not just physical improvement, but one that focuses on clarity of thought. The emotional baggage I've carried around is an encumbrance and I'm better served by a clear mind. More importantly the lessons from past mistakes have been learned and memorized and there's no need to carry the pain or acknowledge the scars. It's over.

Reaching my goals in life has been akin to a rocket launch. Escaping earthly gravity requires tremendous energy and effort- similarly my first efforts were fueled by fear and, in some ways, anger. I was out to prove myself, and with the exuberance that is saddled in youth, carried around more than a slight chip on my shoulder. However I've come to realize that I've reached a crossroads of sorts, my 20s are complete, and this rocket, thankfully, has locked into orbit.

As I begin my 30s in earnest, I realize that my previous tactics will not suffice. Previous sources of motivation such as anger, frustration, and vengeance are no longer relevant as that part of my life is over. The sources of contempt that bred such furious anger have finally been conquered and I managed to vanquish those demons of iniquity.

As I survey my future and the road ahead, my battle plan requires that I, now, shift my attention to taming my impulsiveness nature. Vengeance and bravado must make way for precision, cold judgment*, a deft touch, and accuracy. The first step, though, is clarity of mind. The change requires that I streamline my life, as I move faster and faster till I become a blur of energy, speeding towards tomorrow.

*The transformation is an ongoing process and I realize that I risk losing the human element. Consciously or not, my trepidation is predicated on losing the common touch which has always defined me. Perhaps it's time for me to seek balance, and find someone who keeps me in check? Perhaps. Unlikely, but, perhaps.

Incomplete

Well the family reunion weekend is over, and I'm headed back to California. The oppressive presence of my solitary existence is never felt more, than when I am set to leave such environs. I find myself feeling largely incomplete. I guess it makes me acknowledge a void in my life, which most of the time, I artfully glaze over and ignore (void? what void?). Perhaps I am the proverbial ostrich? It's really a defense mechanism, otherwise enabling me to cope with years of solitude.

Now that I'm sitting at the airport, waiting to board my flight, I feel a sense of longing for the love, warmth, and affection you only experience when surrounded with the bustle and energy of a vibrant family. Woe is me, has never been my modus operandi, and now I close my eyes and heart and head back to the task at hand: climbing the mountain. This is the life I chose and I must remain disciplined and focused*. Albeit, I want to say, it leaves me a little empty and, more than a little, sad.

*I sound like I'm convincing myself? Well, I am.

Noise Cancellation

I'm such an idiot. Yes yes go ahead and agree, because I am. I just remembered my secret weapon for flying: headphones. No no, not headphones for mere mortals, I got these.

f you never tried noise canceling headphones, trust me, its an order of magnitude difference. The funny thing is that I don't even own an ipod (no time to listen to one), I bought them for the silence promised during a flight. Asides from canceling obvious distractions such as crying babies and flight attendants opening Diet Coke cans, you'll be amazed at how much ambient noise an airplane makes, all kinds of shudders, groans, engine humming etc. with these headphones its like the world doesn't exist, and the only noise left is...the voices in your head...hmm now if you could just find a way to silence those...

Random Points Eastward

So as you know, I'm headed due east- for the first time in a year actually (has it been that long since I've been in California? Jesus*)- I'm in Las Vegas right now, as I write this post, burning two and a half hours before I board my five hour hop to Pittsburgh. Annoying developments so far:

• I got an exit row seat, but NONE of the benefits of exit rowishness. Seriously I feel gypped. When the hell did the world change? Why was I not made aware of the following changes:

• Exit row seats don't recline- At least not on this Airbus (such a creative name). My seat didn't recline at all. At first I thought my seat was broken, but then I realized this is a new 'safety feature'. If this is only a 'feature' of Airbusi (is that the plural?), I shall begin an Airbus boycott. Seriously, what's the point of vying for the exit row if you're ultimately no more comfortable than the rest of the schlubs in coach?
• Exit row seats don't board with first class (anymore)- this reeeeally pissed me off. One of the key advantages to scoring an exit row is that you get board before the rest of the idiots. You are ensured overhead luggage space. It's essentially all the benefits of First Class without the cost i.e. more bang for your bitchass buck.
  

• Cans are LOUD- so the genius flight attendant parks the cabin trolley right next to my seat, as he served our area. The way the trolley was parked, my ear was about 10 inches away from where genius was opening cans of assorted, refreshing, beverages. Ever open a can near your ear? They are fucking loud. As in the ensuing 90 minute hop from SF to Vegas, I got ZERO rest, why? Well maybe because this happened like 67 times:

"What would you like?"
"Diet Coke, please"
....zkkkxxxxxxzzzzzzzzzzzzkt, POP!...
" Thank you"
Rinse. Repeat. Again. And again. And again.

• Loud people are really annoying: There's a troupe of Indian families, at my exit gate. Now I'm sure you're going to roll your eyes and think I'm being a self-hating native, however such is not the case. I'd make this point if it was a family troupe of any nationality, race, color, or creed. I am an equal opportunity critic :) Anyways, I digress, my point was I hate loud people. Why can't people be more sophisticated? Or just better mannered? Is it really that important to treat the f9cking boarding gate like your living room? Is it imperative to start a card game? Is removing your shoes really necessary? Do you have to take off your socks as well? Is it quite imperative to talk to each other really LOUD? Must the kids ride the luggage cart around the aisles? Can't the dude sitting on the floor, with his back to me, playing cards, pull his pant up just a little bit? Must we all witness the ass crack + bumfluff*? Is that really necessary?

Final observations- I hate Vegas. Perhaps it was cool and suave at one time, but that was a different era, that was the time when Dean and Frank hung out at The Sands, it was completely a different era. Now, Vegas is just manufactured fun for the masses. I find it plastic, synthetic, and artificial. More on why I hate Vegas later.

* I have a habit of saying Jesus, Jesus Christ et al. I don't have any particular affection for Jesus, nor do I have anything against him. I just say it quite often, I've noticed. Jesus <--see
**Goose, gay joke 'opening' :)

The Modern Executive

I remember a time when business executives were the epitome of class. My father, who possibly is the best dressed person I know, wore bespoke suits to the office- pin stripes, French silk ties, and cufflinks were the norm. The modern executive, at least in the US, is a poor facsimile of yesteryears. Case in point:

I'm writing this post from SFO (i.e. San Francisco Airport) and I saw an prime example of the 'modern' exec (a.k.a. Donkey Kong- that's what he reminded me of):

- Bluetooth wireless headset attached to his ear
- Gut hanging out over his belt
- Wearing beige Dockers
- Tasseled loafers
- A brown 'weave' belt (wtf is up with those??)
- XXXL polo shirt- with corporate logo
- Talking way too loud

So here's the scene: I'm at SFO and look at the long check-in line, secretly I'm glad I decided to show up to the airport 2 hours* before my flight to Pittsburgh, and I realize that none of the drones in line are using the self-service check-in! What idiots. Anyways I bypass the line and just go to a kiosk and start the check in process:

- swipe ID
- see that airline has f9cked up my seat requests
- choose exit rows where available- unless it's the middle 'bitch' seat, in which case opt for window (remember the aisle seat fallacy!)

It was during the touch screen check-in process that I spied Mr. Donkey Kong Executive on my right. He had followed my lead and found his way to an open kiosk, however he was in the midst of a Gordon Gecko-style discussion on the phone. I, of course, decided to indulge in my new favorite habit i.e. eavesdropping [yes I an Audio Voyeur as well :)] - not that it was really hard...DK was speaking loud enough for half the terminal to hear him, he was LOUD. However, even though I was already laughing (inside) at his ridiculous persona, nothing could prepare me for what was coming next- excerpt from DK's conversation:

"I ALWAYS BEAT CISCO"
" YOU LET ME INTO THAT DEAL"
" YEAH YOU'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO"
" WHAT? IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION?"
" I'LL BURY THE COCKAROACHES!!!"

KH's simultaneous real time thought: "Jesus Christ, did he just say I'lll burrry thosa kakaroaches??? Awesome!"

What enhances the awesomeness is that he said it in all seriousness and he did a faux Tony Montana accent. This guy is my hero**. He sounded like Al Pacino's retarded little cousin. Anyways, ladies and gents, I present to you...the modern American Executive. Jesus.

PS- I'm headed to Pittsburgh for a family reunion this weekend, so my posts will be intermittent. But fear not! I'll make sure to document all cool stories and observations for your reading pleasure. As an aside, you what's really cool about Pennsylvania? It has a lot of trees (I like trees- yaay trees) and in the fall, when you're driving on the highway, you'll see every shade yellow, orange, and red. In the summer, the trees look like broccoli, no seriously they do!

*I have extreme going-to-miss-my-flight paranoia- yeah I know I need help :)
** Not really of course :)

More Art

Some new work*. Haven't analyzed it yet but I think it has to do with structure, fear, and forbidden fruit. I honestly that just made that up, however perhaps there is some truth in stream of consciousness? Or perhaps it's random. Perhaps perhaps.






The crooked yellow line really bothered me at first (last image)- when I looked at the image, all I would see, or could see, was the crooked line. However after a while, it grew on me. I realized that in life, nothing is perfect, and the crooked line brings some humanity to an otherwise perfect existence. And in many ways, perhaps it embodies me. Am I that line? Perhaps.

* I like the second one- it's shows fear and trepidation in exploring a new boundary, the end goal is quite far away.

KH FAQ (cont'd)

5) What hand do you write with?

I am a lefty. Surprised? The book 'Right-Hand, Left-Hand' establishes that left-handed people as a group have historically produced an above-average quota of high achievers (!).

Not only am I a lefty, but I use the 'hook' method of writing i.e. my wrist sits at the top of the page, and I write across it. The writing lines tends to flare up as I go along. Writing with fountain pens is a nuisance as I get ink stains on the side of my hand.

Lefty Trivia:

1) Wedding Rings- Early Egyptians believed that the vena amoris (love vein) ran from the third finger of the left-hand to the heart, and placing the wedding ring on this finger would provide a closer connection with one's heart

2) Seven US presidents were left handed (approx. 16%): James Garfield; Herbert Hoover; Harry S. Truman; Gerald Ford; Ronald Reagan; George H. W. Bush; Bill Clinton

3) Other famous lefty's:

• Picasso
• Amitabh Bachchan
• Albert Einstein
• Leonardo da Vinci
• Julius Caesar
• Kurt Cobain
• Alexander the Great
• David Bowie
• Matthew Broderick (yaay Ferris!)

4) In 2006, researchers Johns Hopkins University found that left-handed men are 15% richer than right-handed men who attended college, and 26% richer if they graduated

5) My non-linear Smallville consumption can, also, be explained by being a lefty:

"Left-handed persons are thought to process information using a "visual simultaneous" method in which several threads can be processed simultaneously. Another way to view this is such: Suppose there were one thousand pieces of popcorn and one of them was colored pink. The right-handed person — using the linear sequential processing style — would look at the popcorn one at a time until they encountered the pink one. The left-handed person would spread out the pieces of popcorn and visually look at all of them to find the one that was pink. A side effect of these differing styles of processing is that right handed persons need to complete one task before they can start the next. Left-handed people, by contrast, are capable and comfortable switching between tasks. This seems to suggest that left-handed people have an excellent ability to multi-task, and anecdotal evidence suggests that there are more creative stems due to this ability to multi-task.

Right-handed people process information using "analysis", which is the method of solving a problem by breaking it down to its pieces and analyzing the pieces one at a time. By contrast, left-handed people process information using "synthesis", which is the method of solving a problem by looking at the whole and trying to use pattern-matching to solve the problem"

Synthesis! That's exactly it! I 'look' at the entire story visually and realize where I have gaps and make connections. Yaay synthesis!

Americana

On the drive to work this morning, I heard one of my favorite bands, Huey Lewis and the News (I realize I date myself by professing my love of 80's music) singing 'The Heart of Rock n' Roll' on the radio. It made me think-

"Damn, that is quintessential Americana"

Americana-refers to artifacts of the culture of the United States, the history and folklore resultant from its westward expansion. The contemporary meaning encompasses all things that are culturally American such as, well, Huey Lewis (who is incidentally from San Francisco and scored a perfect 800 on the SAT math section- long live wikipedia), baseball, apple pie, and, er, country music.

Now, I realize that loving America is not a popular, global pastime. However, I do love America (as we discussed in the American Dream post) for all the opportunities it's provided to immigrants like me over the years. So let's put aside the political hatred, foreign policy issues, war-mongering, and enjoy the good found in Americana (in no particular order):

1. Superman- it's a bird, it's a plane, it's...Smallville* :)
2. Movies- ET, Goonies, and Gattaca showing at a theater near you
   
3. Jazz- listen to 'Kind of Blue' by Miles Davis
4. Inventions-tv, phone, internet, ipod, airplanes- perhaps you've heard of these?
   
5. Baseball- ever try to hit a 97 mph fastball with a wooden stick?
6. Cheeseburgers- nothing hits the spot like a good ol' cheeseburger
7. Rock n' Roll- Elvis is the King
8. Road trips- the modern highway was invented post-World War II
9. Marilyn Monroe- the goddess
10. Joe DiMaggio- my idol, struck out only 369 times in his career, also married #9
11. Diner-your local greasy spoon should serve a strong cup of coffee and a solid #6

Well that's what was top of mind. If I neglected to mention other items of note, which I'm sure I did, feel free to comment or email. Oh and remind me to tell you about the greatest cheeseburger I ever had.

*For some, who shall remain unnamed, Smallville is the source of immense happiness :)

Engagement Lana

By popular demand- I'll probably delete this post at some point. I just thought I'd indulge the voyeur in you:


-Image Deleted-

Don't Mind Me- I'm Invisible

Everyone's had experiences that has lead them to wish they could press the handy 'Invisibility' button on their utility belt* and -poof!- vanish. An incident today had me wishing 'invisibility now...':

After a long day at work, I stopped by the grocery store to quickly replenish some basics. Now my local grocery store, in their infinite grocery wisdom, has decided to completely re-order everything. So the protein bars (breakfast) aren't located next to the 'Asian Food' aisle (which, albeit illogical to begin with, is the pattern imprinted in my mind), the cheese has moved near the fruit, and I still haven't found the dishwasher detergent. So what I had hoped would be a brief 10 minute excursion became a 45 minute ordeal which saw me circling the store like a goldfish in a glass bowl. It was in search of the ever elusive, still hiding, mysterious dishwasher detergent, that I walked straight into the midst of a serious, murderous, marital 'spat'. Actually the word 'spat' doesn't do it justice, it was the World War III + Holyfield vs. Tyson equivalent of martial genocide. By the time I realized what was going on I found myself planted right in front of the, uh, tampons. The couple looked over at me, paused, and without missing a beat, resumed their mutually acerbic tirade. In the mean time, I was rooted in position (I'm invisible, I don't really exist), staring at the damn** tampons/pads, which suddenly had assumed an interesting, compelling, and hypnotic quality. Overheard:

" You NEVER let ME spend ANY f9cking money!"
" You've been f2cking bitching all week!"
" What the f8ck is your problem? How dare you talk to me like that!"
" You're CRAZY, just f2cking go ask him!"

Go ask him? Did he just say go ask him? Surely he can't be talking about me? I'm invisible remember?! Plus who the hell am I to take sides? Who the hell am I to impartially and unequivocally confirm that she, indeed, was being psychotic? And that he, with bulging neck veins, was a wayward blink from a combo aneurysm + coronary? I'm just a regular joe, standing here in my work clothes*** staring at this vast, bountiful selection of, uh, tampons. Oh look this brand comes with 'wings', how innovative! Sanitary napkin technology has improved so much! Look at all these choices! Goddamn I wish I was invisible!

Anyways, after a few more 'f3cking this' and 'f5cking that' they managed to reach a compromise (or more likely, a stalemate). What was the fight about you ask? Well HE wanted to buy this 'expensive' deodorant, and SHE wouldn't let him. That was it, a fight over goddamn deodorant ($4.99). What the hell is wrong with people?

Final thoughts- Witnessing this incident lead me to wonder: Why do marriages fail? What happens to the love? Is that what 'the end' sounds like? A public fight in the middle of the 'Personal Care' aisle over deodorant? Coming from someone who leads a largely solitary existence, this will sound biased, however- I think it's healthy for any relationship to maintain a bit of separation. If you're constantly in each other's grill, it's bound to cause problems. Why? Well no one's perfect, and we all have good days and bad days. I've always said that it's the small things that make a big difference, and humans, in general, tend to remember negative memories far more vividly than positive ones. Personally I don't see the civility and benefit in SCREAMING as a preferred method of communication, however not all people and thought processes are as evolved. Never lose respect for each other. Respect is one commodity, in my opinion, that is very difficult to earn and terribly easy to squander. How sad.

* Who wears utility belts? No one except for Batman. Batman is a bored billionaire who likes to dress funny and has nightmares about Mommy and Daddy. Batman, basically, sucks. I cede the point that Batman Begins was great (it was).
** I was going to say 'bloody' when I realized that would be an unfortunate, and poor, choice of adjective when discussing, uh, tampons
***Grey collared shirt, black cashmere v-neck sweater, dark blue jeans, and black monk-strap loafers (insert snarky 'gay' comment here- go ahead I know that's what you're thinking) :)

KH FAQ

To help faithful orange-heads learn more about their favorite person, me! I'm going to randomize the answers, email me if you have other questions. Best, KH

1) Are you a creature of habit?
Yes! I've been told that I'm slightly OCD, and I have yet to confirm or deny the allegation. I tend to order the same things when I eat out, watch the same channels etc. I think it has to do with dealing with change early on in life (moving around)- I established constants in my personal life in terms protocols, routines, procedures, and habits. Perhaps it was to make structure amidst anarchy?

2) Do you believe in God?
The quick answer- Yes. However I also believe that organized religion is the cause for vast majority of conflict today (and, well, since The Crusades). I also believe what we have today is a bastardized version of what religion really intended (did I just blaspheme?). I believe that while religion can be very powerful, today it divides more than it unites. When I was in Italy, I chanced upon this old church in Roma, inside they were singing hymns. I was spellbound. It may sound like a cliche, but the combination of that ancient church, the cold marble floor, and those haunting voices was incredibly powerful. Since then, I've enjoyed visiting churches (as an observer, not a pilgrim).

3) Have you been to a rave? (We used to just call them 'parties' back in 1997)
Yes. Many. In the mid to late 90s I caught the tail-end of an electronic music wave, the likes of which has not been witnessed since. I think I was privy to an incredible renaissance - I never realized music could be that powerful (and loud). Since then the entire 'scene' has been diluted in terms of the music, and sadly, in terms of the people listening to the music. Our motivation was always the music first, now people indulge for the hedonism associated with that music. Somehow it just isn't as fun or special, when things go mainstream.

4) What makes you happy?
Good question. Recently I did an informal poll and asked other people the same question, here are some of the responses I got:

- " Making other people laugh "
- " My children "
- " Learning "
- " Being in love "

So what makes me happy? I don't know. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. I know lots of things that I find interesting, amusing, appealing, exciting, intriguing and generally fascinating, but I'm not sure I can pinpoint what, if anything, truly makes me happy. By the way, I think the 'love' answer is a cop-out.

-to be continued-

Outside of the Asylum

I was reading the 'California Driver's Handbook' (have to take a written test to get my license transferred tomorrow-I hate dealing with stupid administrative errands) when I had a moment straight out of the Hitchhikers Guide. KH = Wonko the Sane. For those who don't know, or worse, don't remember:

Wonko the Sane lives in coastal California in a house called The Outside of the Asylum (interior/exterior are reversed). When Wonko saw instructions on how to use a toothpick on a packet of toothpicks he became convinced that the world had gone crazy and so built the house as an asylum for it, hence the reversal of the interior and exterior. Wonko received a fishbowl from the dolphins ('So Long and Thanks for All the Fish'). He also claims to have seen angels with golden beards, green wings and Dr Scholl sandals, who drive little scooters, do a little coke and are very cool about a lot of things.

While I didn't see coke-head angels (at least not yet), I did come across the following in the Driver's Handbook:

ADDITIONAL DRIVING RULES

THINGS YOU MUST NOT DO:

• Do not tow anyone who is riding a bicycle, in a wagon, on roller skates, on a sled, on skis, or on a toy vehicle
• Do not litter the roadside
• Do not wear a headset over, or earplugs in, both your ears
• Do not wear eyeglasses with temples wide enough to keep you from seeing clearly to the sides
• Do not drive a vehicle equipped with a video monitor visible to the driver and displays anything other than vehicle information or GPS information
• Do not honk your horn unless it is a safety warning.
• Do not throw any cigarette, cigar, or other flaming or glowing substance* from your vehicle
• Do not shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs
• Do not allow anyone to ride in the trunk of your vehicle

Do not shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs??? Is this something we need to clarify? I know some people suffer from road-rage in LA, but do we really need to spell it out explicitly? FIRING GUNS ON THE HIGHWAY = NOT GOOD. I am astounded. Perhaps I shouldn't be so surprised, but I have to say American the Bountiful never fails to amaze me. I need to live outside the asylum (or change my name to Wonko).

*Glowing substances? Like what? Plutonium? Kryptonite? Seriously if you realize some mystery material is f5cking radioactive nuclear waste, wouldn't you throw it as far as possible?

California

The first step to improvement, is acknowledging the problem- understanding the underlying reasons for it comes later. My problem is that I don't live in today, I'm always thinking ahead and feeling impatient about my perfect future. The grass isn't greener on the other side, for me, the grass is greener two years from now. So by 'living' ahead I don't appreciate what I have today, I don't fully enjoy life, nor do I fully take advantage of all that surrounds me. Why am I like that?

As you know I've been contemplating a graduate degree next year, and suffice to say it's been the source of some disruption in my everyday thought process. I'm considering graduate programs, primarily in England, and have always imagined that grad school would be a wonderful and enriching part of my life- I'll be surrounded by great minds, great ideas, and will flourish to become an enlightened person (I realize this is a very Renaissance approach to grad school- I guess I am a Romantic after all?). As I've been thinking about this constantly, it occurred to me:

I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, San Francisco. Why would I want to leave?

California is an idea. California is manifest destiny. California is where dreams are born and realized. So why in the world should I leave all of this? More importantly, let's say I do go and get my masters degree in England, why shouldn't I come back*? San Francisco is an amazing (and hilly) city, culturally vibrant, quaint, unique, ethically diverse, with a great number of opportunities for enriching your life. So why I can't I just enjoy it? Why can't I just stay here?

I don't have all the answers. I think part of the reason is that I put great pressure on myself to be successful and constantly stress about whether I'm guiding my life in the right direction. I'm a cliche- I'm in such a hurry to get to the end, that I forget to smell the roses. Intuitively, I know it's the journey that counts, however my creative side has fallen prey to my aspirations. So, I, as a result, don't take advantage of this wonderful city, to its full potential. Is it worth it? I don't know, I doubt it. I'd like to change, and I'm going to try my best to enjoy life today, but it's a difficult proposition when you're on your own.

Today should be a celebration about how much I've achieved in my life, and how I've done it singlehandedly. However, rather than look back and regale in my accomplishments, my eyes are staring blankly at the mountain in front of me. So, I don't stop, except to pause at times and wonder why I don't enjoy life today? Then I continue climbing. It's a lonely road.

*Once I've left a place, I've never returned. That's just the way it's been in my life.

Politically Sensible

A few years ago I spent Thanksgiving in Detroit. If you've never been to Detroit, well, you're not missing much. I, personally, liked it because for some bizarre reason I enjoy urban decay and dystopia in general. Anyways, Detroit has the largest Arab population in the US, and I, luckily, enjoyed some authentic Arabic food over the weekend, the likes of which I have not seen in other urban centers. My mom's side of the family lived in Kuwait for nearly 50 years, in fact my mom (and my sister) were born there. As you can imagine, Arabic food become part of my gastronomical palette, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it since childhood.

Back to Detroit- we were going to Shatila Bakery for rosewater ice-cream (quite simply the greatest flavor of ice-cream ever), when I saw this sign.


ARAB KABAB, right?

For those of you who can't read Arabic, it says IRAQI KEBAB!

The post-modern implications of this sign are too immense to do them any sort of justice in this simple post. What a world we live in.

Promise Not to Laugh?

In my life, I know that I have one, solid, epic story to tell- for many years I referred to it as my Magnum Opus (m.o. from here on out). Yet for years, nearly a decade, I've been reluctant to put pen on paper, and bang it out. Why? Asides from the traditional excuses around not enough time, work etc. I believe the real reason is that, well, I've been afraid.

Afraid? Now that seems so irrational and illogical (most fears are), how can someone be afraid about an idea? Here's how bad it is- I'm reluctant to even discuss the idea. Forget about writing it. So I asked myself, why? Why do I have this holistic resistance to the m.o?

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I had found a 'safe' person to tell-

• I don't see this person on a regular basis (technically I haven't seen her since, jesus, 1994)
• We share purely asynchronous electronic contact (email- have not graduated to instant messaging, much less *shudder* telephonic contact)
• She is well-read and opinionated- solid credentials for a budding critic

I remember asking her, "If I tell you, do you promise not to laugh?". Here was a perfect person to listen to the idea, and hopefully, provide a fair assessment of it...but I couldn't do it. I balked. Why? Why am I so concerned what she, or anyone for that matter, will think about the m.o.?

Initially, I thought it had to do with a fear of public humiliation, however now I realize it's much more than that (isn't it always?)

Imagine having something that you hold precious, in great esteem, and value. You naturally want others to do the same. And if they don't, somehow that's a reflection of your lack of judgment, the poverty of your creative spirit, and with one dismissive critique, your greatest failures are magnified. It's the classic conflict of man vs. himself and, in this case, man vs. society. For me- it's just not the fear of an idea, it's the fear of an idea not being loved as much.

So what prompted this entry? Well, ironically, I came across a friend's blog (which shall remain nameless), and the very first, original, entry is titled: "As long as you promise not to laugh". Ha! A common ailment in all aspiring writers, I guess?

Well, today we make a difference, as Captain Picard famously said in First Contact:

"We've made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!"

So, I'm going to take the first step and get past my fear today. We'll hold hands, and take this step together, and having said that here's the basic premise for the M.O:

I've always enjoyed books that are centered in a specific time period, and manage to capture all the nuances of that time in its characters- from dress, conventional wisdom, cultural norms, and political intricacies. I'd like to replicate that in my story. The story arc will center on two conflicts man vs. man and man vs. himself.

Ok. I think that was good first step. Phew. That was scary. More later on the specific elements of the story- I, first, have to rebuild my reserve of bravado and, Picard-inspired, fury!

Run Forrest Run

Recently I saw Forrest Gump on tv. It's a movie that I always enjoying watching, even though I know what's about to happen next. Do you have a movie like that? This time around, though, when I saw the movie I came to a startling conclusion:

I AM FORREST GUMP

A post-modern, 2000's version of Forrest, but Forrest Gump for all his random connections nevertheless. I know I know, this is earth shattering (feel free to keep your snarky comments comparing me to Forrest because I'm feeble-minded- haw haw, you're so witty). What struck me is, at the very end of the movie, Forrest says:

"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze,but I, I think maybe it's both."

I guess because of my global nomadesque credentials, I tend to float in and out of people's lives. A friend, who I saw after nearly 10 years, told me that the day before she* 'found' me on facebook, she had dreamt about me, like I was part of her subconscious, part of the ether. The next day she reluctantly joins facebook, on a friend's insistence, and the only person she finds there is, well, me. Not only that, but I also live in San Francisco. Very very random.

That's but one example, of how I've floated in and out of people's lives, like a modern day Forrest Gump. I'd like to believe that for the time that my path of life, which is circuitous and meandering (not all those who wander are lost!), intersects with someone else's, I bring great happiness to their existence. And when I leave, and float along in life, these people are left intrigued, and, most importantly, enriched.

Without sounding ridiculous- I understand that I have the ability to invoke strong emotions in people. I can, very quickly, decipher what makes people tick, and on some level that can be a destructive power. However, in spending time with me, I hope, even for a moment, people see what it means to be alive, to be awake, and realize that we don't exist in solitude. We all remain connected, in some small way, to each other, even if it's just by memory alone.

*she is happily married so, no, there is nothing 'going on'

Intepretation of Dreams cont'd

So the feedback to the interpretation of dreams was quite overwhelming (thanks to everyone who emailed- you all need help). Anyways I had this really vivid dream today, and in some small part, I wonder if it's connected to what I said recently about Pa. Here's what happens in the dream:

I'm a pilot and as usual I'm scheduled to take a flight. However at flight time I realize I don't know how to fly that particular model but I'm too nervouse/shy/embarrassed to actually admit I don't know how to fly that plane. I ask if there's a co-pilot (who can help me figure out how to fly the plane), however I'm told that I'll be on my own. I'm also said that it's a plane, so how hard can it really be to figure out how to fly it? I have serious trepidation but am reluctantly forced to go through with it.

The flight starts and I have no clue, at all, how to fly this plane. It seems that in my nervousness, and anxiety, I have even forgotten what I did know, about flying, to begin with. Key events:

- I have to re-park the plane and overshoot the 'parking spot'
- There turn out be two cockpits- I'm sitting in the 'basic' one, without all the controls
- I manage to get the plane ready for take off but don't know how far to pull back and get the right angle of ascent, the plane starts stalling, but rather than panic I make an announcement to keep up a pretense of (false) competence- I also don't want the passengers to worry, the one's who have trusted me
- I start adjusting the throttle and the plane is now aloft but clearly at the wrong altitude (it's too low)
- I find my way to the 'second/advanced cockpit' and that's where I'm supposed to determine the flight heading, I radio in for help but I can't see out the window. Over the radio they tell me the correct heading but I'm unable it to enter it in because the plane requires my constant attention and I'm afraid to crash it.
- Just as I'm ready to enter in the heading, the knob doesn't work, I start getting annoyed with it, and simultaneously the fog clears! I can see out the window, and the first thing I see is that the plane is flying dangerously low...over a shipwreck.

What the f7ck?

Analysis: I'm not sure. My dad spent his entire career in the aviation industry, so maybe that has something to do with planes? I think that might be too simplistic. The plane perhaps represents a life challenge that I'm ill-prepared to overcome? The passengers are people I care about who I don't want to disappoint? The shipwreck? The fog? No copilot? Perhaps you have a better explanation?

Fear

I'm not sure why I'm saying this here. Perhaps I need to vent? Perhaps by sharing my burden, it will lessen the weight on my own shoulders? Hmm...I should be stronger.

I found out today that my father has had chest pain. He's scheduled to see a heart specialist, and, as a lifelong smoker, it's of obvious concern*. My parents avoided telling me at first, so I would not, unnecessarily, worry (which I understand, but feel angry about all the same). I also feel terrible guilt that I've been away from my parents for as long as I have. But it's been out of necessity, not choice. This weighs heavily on my conscience and has not been easy to reconcile in my own mind. I should be there for my parents, they need my support. I know all the rationale and logic reasons for how 'this is not my fault' but I can't help but feel that somehow I've let them down. I'm a bad son.

If you see your father today, give him a hug- Right now, I wish I could hug Pa.

*One of the major reasons the engagement was called off in December was that Lana had the nerve to say, "Your family is going to be a liability." I can't begin to write what I think about that comment.

Formula One

This Sunday I finally will get to see my first Formula One race of the season. I'm terribly disappointed. The cable company that serves my area has decided, in its infinite wisdom, that I'd have to purchase the Super Platinum Premium package in order to get Speedtv- which shows all the Formula One races live. That means I'd have to upgrade from paying $40 a month to about $900 a month (yes I exaggerate, its more like $80). The problem is that I have no interest in any of the additional channels I receive- 5 movie channels, digital cable, blah blah blah. I hardly watch all the channels I have now, my typical consumption involves ESPN, The Learning Channel, Discovery Channel, Fox News (best news in the business), and the Smallville Channel (no, unfortunately, there isn't a channel dedicated to Smallville- but it's a good idea!- I just don't remember the name of the one that does show Smallville every day). I can't seem to justify paying $500 a year just to watch Formula One racing. I can afford it, however on some level it just seems wrong. This Sunday on Fox, they are going to show the Canadian Grand Prix, so by default I get to watch a Formula One race. Yaay.

In the US, Formula One hasn't really taken hold, over here NASCAR is far more popular. And I don't get it- I mean what is the charm in watching a bunch of rednecks go around in circles? Formula One racing is the pinnacle of motorsport. In recent years, the FIA has forced manufacturers to downgrade their technological innovations for two reasons:

1. To level the playing field between 'rich' manufacturers and the 'not-as-rich' manufacturers
2. They were going too fast

Did you read the second point? The cars were going too fast! How awesome is that? It basically became a matter of driver safety because if the cars lost any of their downforce, they would essentially become airborne. And for drivers sitting in an open cockpit, surrounded by a fragile carbon fiber hull, that's the equivalent of suicide (but what a way to go!).

Formula One racing has a tremendous global following, I, myself, started watching it in Kuwait, where the local programming (when satellite tv was nascent) consisted of a program called 'You and the Law', terrible football games between Kuwaiti club teams, and news in Arabic. They did, however, show Formula One racing and with satellite television, the coverage just improved.

The technical aspects of Formula One racing are far too intricate to detail in this column, however the pre-race show typically sets up the decisions that the teams face:

• Weather conditions- wet or dry tires?
• One or two stop strategy?
• How much fuel to run- lighter cars, obviously, run faster (but require more stops to refuel)

All of this makes for great drama- the best part of the race? The beginning! Turn up the sound on your tv and watch out for the action at the first corner! I also love the commentary- David Hobbs* is the best in the business. Final thoughts- I'm terribly excited about the race and in an ideal life, when I have more money than God, I'll travel to many of these races. I want to enjoy race weekend, and hopefully indulge in some globe trotting along the way. Sounds good to me :)


In a follow up post- I'll rant about the lost art of commentating. The great commentators enhanced the experience, using an economy of words, yet provided maximum impact and value. More on that later

Hotel Seduction

No, as the title implies this post isn't about clandestine trysts made incognito in hotel rooms. Rather it's a simple tactic to help working class stiffs (like yourself) get a taste of the high life.

I love staying in hotels- by hotels I mean nice hotels. I enjoy the entire experience, and believe that in certain things in life, the luxury is worth the premium charged. Early on in my career, I had the same tastes and motivation but a rather slim, and non-compliant, wallet. However I still managed to get great suites, at great hotels. How? Well it's simple, you have to remember a few simple rules:

1. Maintain good energy- smile- and be confident
2. Remember the working class stiff behind the counter probably can't afford a hotel room
3. Be memorable

Walk up to the counter, and the following standard exchange takes place:

- Hello, how may I help you?
- Hi, I'm checking in
- Okay, last name please...let me check your reservation
- (Provide last name)
- Alright Mr/Ms. F8ckface I see you have single, standard, bitchass room for x nights

At this point you can hand over your credit card and go to your pathetic room. OR you say the following:

- Yeah this is my first time staying here, and I just want you to know, if you want to upgrade me to the luxury suite, I'm totally okay with that.

Remember the front desk drone does this 50 times a day, for 12 hours, every day, 6 days a week, nobody veers from the standard interaction. What you have just done is provide, what's known as, a pattern interrupt, at this point the front desk mate will probably smile and say:

- Hmm, well let me see what I can do...

At this point, they will probably upgrade you in some way, shape or form. Alternatively if they say:

- Well I can give you a queen luxury suite for an additional $145 a night?

They are just testing your mettle- at this point most people (like yourself) would sheepishly look down and just 'settle' for their lame ass room. You have to Double Down and appeal to their ego, their sense of power, and pride:

- "Jose (look at their name tag) you're the man over here, you're running things, you can do it and nobody would say anything, so hook me up."

The guy is a working class stiff, what does he have to lose? Most hotels run half empty on average anyways. Nobody is staying in the super nice rooms, they are typically too expensive. Jose at this point, will most likely hook you up.

In the past typically I would get upgraded 9 out of 10 times (now that I'm somewhat successful I can just book a nice suite!). The 'best' upgrade I got was from a standard bitchass room to the executive luxury floor that was accessed by swiping a special pass key in the elevator. Believe me, it was REALLY REALLY NICE. So have fun, and happy upgrades!

Line of Destiny

So this morning, I randomly remembered an infamous night in Washington DC two years ago. The following is a terrible combination:

- 1 standard issue Lana
- 4 hours at a Brazilian restaurant in Adam's Morgan
- A friendly bartender
- Caipirinhas on the house
- 1 luxury hotel suite (I was attending a conference)

Let me give you an assessment of the damage- when we left, Lana was having an annoying giggling fit, falling all over the place, and decided, as we passed a fortune teller joint (with a red neon sign), that we need to know what the future held for 'us'. Jesus. The night reached its standard and predictable conclusion and I also managed to miss my flight the next day.

Anyways, getting back to the one redeeming memory of the night: palm reading*. The fortune teller said that my line of destiny was quite strong. I don't remember much else. So I did some research online and here are the results:

We'll focus on the line of destiny, which runs from the base of your middle finger to your wrist, check mine out (the cellphone camera doesn't do it justice):


- The line of destiny, tells the effect society and world events have upon your life (external influences)

- The stronger and deeper the line, the more strongly fate controls your life (obviously in the early and latter part of my life, as the line is deeper in the beginning and at the end)

-If the line has many breaks or changes of direction, it means that you are prone to many changes in your life from circumstances you can't control (it's a bit lighter in the middle- which is early adulthood- as you know I've had to overcome some challenges :)

- Depending on the path of the fate line, it indicates how you have/will achieve success. My line is a hybrid- it's linked to my life line which shows that I am a self-made individual (I have had to work my ass off for everything in life), and it also veers in from the right that indicates I may rise from obscurity and may find my way into the public eye (great I'll be surrounded by Lanas forever- just great).

Other lines of interest:

A combination of my heart and head line said:

- I have a romantic nature and great warmth

- I tend to give myself to love, no matter the costs

- I have learned strong emotional control

So I'm a romantic a heart, who's learned from life's experiences. Hmm...fairly accurate assessment I guess?

*I don't put much stock in it- however it does make for interesting party conversations

Lonesome Town (cont'd)

I was telling you about dodging the (engagement) bullet...

So we started talking every day. What a cool girl! I thought to myself, ah finally the stars align, this isn't half bad. In retrospect, I believe we got carried away; because of our similar backgrounds- I attributed similarities where none existed, and I, myopically, overlooked the warning signs, even though my spidey-sense informed me otherwise.

The inherent difference? I thought I had found a Chloe disguised as a Lana. No friends, this was a wolf in sheep's clothing- this was a Lana pretending to be a Chloe. Net net, she was a Lana, through and through.

To be completely fair, the girl was manipulated by her family (sadly). On her own, she's of a certain mindset ("I don't wear jewelry"), however post manipulation it's a different story ("KH the Tiffany engagement ring you picked isn't good enough, I want the $17,000 ring"). The sad part is that I'm not even kidding. There was also serious emotional baggage: her parents had divorced when she was 3, she had a terrible relationship with her stepfather, her real father didn't acknowledge her, and she had abandonment issues with her mother. She never let anyone close to her, or her heart, and yet she trusted KH from the get go (which contributed to my belief that we were a good match).

Anyways long story short- I assessed the situation and realized that there were fundamental differences: I valued education, she craved the high-life, I believed in hard work, she wanted the fruits of success, I believed in the content of character, while she believed that her beauty was paramount. Yes, she is beautiful and many (lesser) men will be tempted to overlook her flaws because of it. I, however, march to the beat of a different drummer.

In the end, it was messy. I said thanks but no thanks, and her family said we weren't rich enough (!). I told her that she can go to the highest bidder, but I want no part of it. Adios.

I've always believed that marriage is the life equivalent of rolling the dice- and perhaps it's because of this attitude (self-destructive attitude?) that I feel I'll end up with a Lana. Knowing my luck with timing (in life) I'll meet a perfect Chloe who's already taken. And I'll be stuck with a soul-sucking vampire known as Lana- Jesus, why can't things just work out?

Art Therapy

Recently an acquaintance mentioned her weekly art therapy session. Art therapy? Can anything call for more natural derision? Are you kidding me? As you know recently I've been trying to not come across as so jaded and cynical, so rather than easily mock her efforts, I decided to put the sarcasm on hold and think about it.

As a kid, I remember being mildly talented- being a lefty (well I'm ambidextrous) I can, apparently, more easily tap into the creative centers of the brain. While I've always been a visual thinker (no, not a synesthete) I was skeptical that thinking/feeling could easily translate itself easily onto 'canvas'. Nevertheless, I decided to indulge (using graffiti on facebook) and my ensuing 'art work' was open to psychoanalysis. It's been awesome! I've been amazed at the response and spirited debate- I didn't think that my humble attempt at art would evoke such strong opinions and feedback.

I have to admit listening to the pop-therapists' comments has been a source of mild amusement (like eating oreos dipped in orange juice):

"you are wandering"
"the circle is the goal, the path is unknown"
"one side is your fear, the other side is hope"
"you are closed to the world, you need love"

!! I like to think I'm fairly balanced and a relatively sane... well obviously not according to my friends. Anyways, I believe some of these look cool, feel free to provide your analysis- I'll add it to my own Wall of Weird.

My personal favorite? The last one (do you see the hidden message?)

Uno Mas!

I thought I'd add this picture of Allison because she looks cute. See, she doesn't realize how cute she is- I mean just look at her! Also, Mighty Mouse is cool :)

The One I Love?

So I finally managed to catch Smallville this week and I found myself debating, quite seriously, a matter of grave importance. Who's hotter? Chloe, the nerdy rational reporter or Lana, the alluring, eye candy who will melt your heart? Now on the surface Lana (Kristin Kreuk) wins in a landslide:

- She's part Dutch, Chinese, and Jamaican -translation- she's super hot
- She's got a killer body
- She's super hot (oh wait I already said that, er, you get the point)

And she epitomizes her role to perfection- like most hot girls she is:
- confused
- indecisive
- irrational
- annoying
- materialistic
- emotional
- and the clincher: stupid

However she has the one redeeming feature, that rights all wrongs: she is super hot. Okay. Super hot. Established. Got it. Moving on.

So in this obviously unequal match-up does Chloe (Allison Mack) have any hope? any chance? Well not in an obvious way. Let's look at Chloe's (who represents all the insecure nerdy chicks out there) 'qualities':

- intelligent (yes...obviously)
- witty
- well-read
- rational
- balanced
- reliable
- quirky

Chloe can't compete on looks, so the only thing she has going for her is, well, being interesting. And like most guys, well if I want interesting, I'll tune in to the Discovery Channel thank you very much. Now Lana, howyoudoin?

Final Thoughts: As I grow old, in my infinite wisdom (and well experience...er), I realize that the Lana's of the world are great for fun, for a fling, for a weekend of hedonism, for joining the Mile High Club etc. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the Lana's out there- the Lana's of the world serve a purpose- we need them, we want them, they satisfy our most basest desires, and honestly, are terribly fun to manipulate. The Chloe's of the world? Well let me put it like this: You're flying from San Francisco to Sydney (which I shall be soon- yes business class- always!), its a 16 hour flight, so what would you rather have?

- A Lana sitting there bitching about how the flight attendant is like, uh, totally ignoring her?

or

- A Chloe reading a book, listening to her ipod, watching the Planet Earth documentary, and debating the merits of Ferris Bueller's Day Off vs. The Breakfast Club?

Well, in my life I've spent an inordinate amount of time with Lana's ilk and it's been fun and memorable to be part of the club (want to see pix from a Lingerie Party?). But in my life, in my heart, I admit, I have a soft spot for nerdy girls. Their most endearing quality? They don't realize how cute they are. And it's that very lack of awareness which makes them attractive. Hmm, I know what you're thinking- KH must be getting mellow (or wise?) in his old age because it sounds a lot like KH just chose character over personality... substance over style...and Chloe over Lana. Go figure*.

*Isn't it a shame that I will, most likely, end up with a Lana? Why??

Lonesome Town

So sang Rick Nelson, as immortalized on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack:

There's a place where lovers go
To cry their troubles away
And they call it Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay

Recently I heard the song and it reminded me of bella - sigh- Since bella and I broke up five years ago (wow- I didn't realize it's been that long), I decided not to 'date' for the sake of dating. I'll be honest, it took me two years to get over her. I know it sounds pathetic, but such it was an intense relationship- and I can honestly say I love her with all my heart. Yes I said love, not loved, because I still cherish her. I don't know if that will ever go away, completely. Anyways, we broke up primarily because of intense pressure from our respective families. Our parents put down the hammer, and we were unfairly forced to make a choice that anyone who has been in love should ever have to make: them or us. Well you know how it ended.

I decided not to date, because my rationale was if a non-muslim girl is not acceptable to my parents, then what was the point? Personally, perhaps I have a naive view of the world- I think all differences can be overcome, and I believe in humanity and goodwill. At the same time I bristled at being 'forced' to choose within my 'own kind'. In effect, I decided it was better to be alone than go through the agony of wanting to be with someone, and having to crush the hopes and wishes of my family. At the time I thought if I was stronger, I would stand up to them. It's now I realize that the path I took, one of solitude, required far greater strength. Don't get me wrong, I fought for bella- we're talking about massive, epic fights. It culminated in my father saying that I could what I like, but neither I, my wife, or my family were ever welcome in his house. Those are tough words to hear. I don't think until you actually have to hear those words for yourself, until you are faced with that ultimatum, that one truly understand the magnitude and weight of that decision.

So I decided to go it alone. At first it was, surprisingly, easy. My heart, which was in about a million different pieces, didn't even accept wanting to talk/date/interact with any other girl. I was listless. Like a zombie. Just living out the days, and sleeping out of exhaustion every night. I spent two years like that. I had a simple routine:
- Go to work for 13 hours
- Go to the gym for 2 hours
- Come home and read for 3 hours
- Toss and turn in bed 2 hours
- Sleep fitfully for 4
- Rinse and repeat

Well the sun also rises- piece by piece I put myself together. I reached a sense of equilibrium. There were two words that I would repeat to myself everyday:
Remember
Balance
That's it. Remember. Balance. Remember. Balance. I said that every day. One of the many books I read at the time recommended this simple exercise as a way of clearing your mind i.e. find a word or two that has meaning for you, then say it, see it, embrace it, eventually you will find peace. So my turmoil, slowly, one day at a time, eased from pain to ache, and from ache to, eventually, a memory.

So what did I learn when I was in the Fortress of Solitude?
- You are stronger than you think
- You are weaker than you can imagine
- Patience is a learned quality
- Time is your enemy but also your friend
- Your character means more than your personality

I don't think I ever broadcast to anyone, how I felt. No no this was all internalized. Perhaps that would've helped? As I emerged from The Fortress, people mentioned that I seemed to have this inner resolve, that somehow I embodied gravitas. I like that word- gravitas*.

At that time, it occurred to me, that I could be surrounded by all these people: friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, well wishers, fans, and enemies, yet nobody had a clue or an inkling how lonely I felt. What's the saying? Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink?

Since then- I have dated- and opened up in my own way I guess. I dated a Penelope Cruz look-alike, an All-American Girl, and even The Girl Next Door. Last July (nearly a year ago?) I thought I met my match. Finally! It seemed like a match made in heaven, you tell me if this sounds like a good fit:

- Half Pakistani- Half English (I'm half-pak half-whitewashed:)
- Grew up in Kuwait (as did I partly)
- Attended to the American School (not ASK but it's ugly stepsister- AIS)
- Went to university in Canada (Toronto, I went to McGill)
- Worked at IBM in Dubai (I worked in tech)
- Loves Seinfeld (not that there's anything wrong with that)
- Was not hyper-religious (religion- as you can imagine- bothers me)

Anyways, our mothers had met, and thought it was a great idea for us to at least start talking. I was skeptical. I was like look this is lame, what the f9ck am I supposed to say to someone I've never met? I mean KH having an 'arranged' anything just seemed contrary to my entire existence! KH was someone who took the long and winding road, where things just magically seem to work out, this was too 'predetermined' etc. My mom was like, I'm going to email you her picture and I said...NO. Why? Well I didn't want her looks to bias my opinion. And I thought it was, uh, lame.

So I picked up the phone and gave her a call:
- we talked for 2 hours
I was like, 'Hmm...".
The next day I called her again:
- we talked for 3 hours
I thought to myself, 'Ha! Whatever, KH can get along with anyone..."
That weekend I called her again:
- we talked all night
Now I thought to myself, 'KH you're f2cked!'

- to be continued-

* Gravitas (from Latin) is a quality of substance or depth of personality- specifically dignity, seriousness, and duty- it is one of the several virtues that ancient Roman society expected men to possess

Pack Rat

A recent conversation made think about the pack-rat phenomenon. I think transient people are more likely to exhibit this behavior, especially global nomads. My belief is that it helps us maintain some continuity, structure, and most importantly balance, in our constantly changing lives. When every few years you pick up and move, you adjust to:

- a new city
- a new neighborhood
- new school
- new friends
- new lifestyle

...well you get the idea. There are very few constants in life, and I think global nomads have a tendency to 'hold on' to snapshots of their existence. The biggest challenge for me was letting go of friends. I, as a Scorpio, am a study in contrasts i.e. it's all or nothing. When I do engage, in a friendship, or even a relationship, it has the benefit of the full brunt of my intensity in terms of love, fun, dedication, and loyalty (for better or for worse). Alternatively when I tune out, you won't even get a pulse- I'm aloof, indifferent, and generally apathetic. Anyways getting back to friends, over years I learnt that if I was going to make friends, as the new kid in school, the onus was on me to be out-going and engaging. So my inherent shyness (believe it or not, that's what I'm really like) went out the door and sure enough KH had a lot of friends. Lots and lots of friends. Across all cliques. I was Everyman. In my life, I've found that I associate a certain period of time with the people I met along the way. Now let me state this very clearly- around the world, there are very very few truly cool people. When you find them, hang on to them. So that's what I did- I collect friends (and books).

Over the years as I've moved, I've done a fairly credible job of keeping in touch. The internet has helped- however one innocent bystander that fell victim to instant communication is letter writing. That genuinely saddens me. I used to write these incredibly long, detailed letters, in a way I miss letter writing- a lost art form- it somehow showed greater care, thought, and dedication.

Other aspects of my pack-rat behavior:

- collecting books (I sign and date each one- add which city I purchased it)
- taking pictures- tons of albums and negatives in a box (yes I always 'the guy with the camera')
- keeping momentos (signed sickbags from school trips, yearbooks, the embossed towel from the hotel vergina in Thessaloniki circa 1993- a legendary trip @ ASK)
- keeping letters/cards

I keep all these things and yet I never look at them. It somehow makes me sad, thinking about times past. Yet by having them, in some way, reminds me of who I am and defines where I've been. I am sometimes tempted to get rid of these things, yet I've always hesitated to go through with it. It seems like I would be erasing my past- where I've been, what I've seen, and who I met. Without them all I have left are fading memories.

Banksy

Banksy is a mystery. I came across his graffiti a few years ago on some obscure blog (total underground revolution style). Reasons why I think Banksy's work is cool:

1. It strikes a chord- in one image, he captures an entire thought or feeling
2. It speaks to the ailments of dystopia
3. He playfully mocks the ineptitude of government
4. It showcases the horror of war and politics
   

Now Banksy is big news. I think he recently had an art exhibit. Now that he's mainstream he can pass into the realm of cool for the masses, so enjoy.

Ferris Bueller- addendum

I pay homage to Goose's favorite scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off- I thought it was hilarious when Ferris said this. And the taxi-cab sequence afterwards ? Awesome i.e. avoiding Ferris' Dad/Sloane laughing hysterically/zoom in on newspaper :)

Smallville Ritual

As you all know by now- I'm a huge fan of Smallville. That is a bit ironic since I'm not a tremendous consumer of contemporary programming, however every now and then I come across some shows that I must watch, for example:

• Seinfeld (I've seen every episode- no seriously I have)
  
• Xena: Warrior Princess (She was so bad-ass, way way better than Hercules)
• Star Trek: Next Generation (Worth just to see the super-hotness of Deanna Troy)

Anyways, back to Smallville. Now, thankfully, Smallville in syndication and its on every night at 7 pm. Most nights I get home at 6:45. In the next 15 minutes till Smallville starts, here's my, slightly, OCD routine:

- get home and pee (sorry for the detail, but its part of the routine)
- change immediately- home chilling clothes await i.e. t-shirt and pjs :)
- run into the kitchen and prepare dinner- I'll blog on how to make instant healthy food
- turn on the tv and start watching before the Smallville theme song* starts (which I love)
- start eating food while its still hot (because I'm too hungry and impatient to wait)
- crack open a cold Diet Coke (I drink one with dinner every day, that's all I have in my fridge)

Now if I've missed an episode, some additional work is required. Sometimes I will log on to the Smallville wiki and start reading the backstory- now I realize that this is a form of 'cheating' but at times to truly appreciate the magnitude of the events unfolding in the episode, background research is imperative.

Now this obviously isn't a problem for those who consume Smallville via DVD , where you have the luxury of stopping time. I, on the other hand, have a much more convoluted consumption pattern. See I watch Smallville in syndication every night (I'm in seasons 3-4)- however!- on Thursday night's there is a 'real time' episode of Smallville (season 6). As you can see I have a highly non-linear non-traditional approach to watching Smallville- the story is running in two time sequences, and to be perfectly honest, I don't always know what's going on...and I kinda prefer it that way. Sure I could buy Seasons 1-6, and watching every episode sequentially but that would be so lame and predictable (and knowing my addictive personality I would probably go on a Smallville binge, indulge my insomnia, and not sleep for 37 hours, watching Smallville non-stop, drinking Diet Coke). With my approach every episode is a new adventure, full of excitement, and I always end up with way more questions than I could imagine. Along the way I know I'll fill in the gaps as I watch (and re-watch) episodes, and eventually, in time, all links will be established.

Analysis- now why do I, someone with supreme control in all aspects of my life, prefer to watch Smallville in such a haphazard, non-linear fashion? Well I think it's just that- I'm so controlled and regimented in my life, that this is my small way of expressing rebellion, indulging in freedom, a token of my self-expression. Perhaps, as The Lady likes to say, KH you are odd. Indeed I am.

* 'Save Me' by Remy Zero

I feel my wings have broken
In your hands
I feel the words unspoken
Inside
When they pull you under
And I would give you any thing you want, oh
You were all I wanted
All my dreams are falling down
Crawling round (and round, and round)

Somebody save me
Let your warm hand break right through (me)
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay (stay with me), stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under
And I would give you anything you want, oh
You were all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling round (and round, and round)

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through (me)
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay (stay with me), stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

All my dreams are on the ground
Crawling round (and round, and round)

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through (me)
Somebody save me
I don't' care how you do it
Just stay with me (stay with me)
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just stay (stay with me), stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you