Siege Mentality

Many years ago at a dinner party a wise old uncle* said 'you'll figure things out when you turn 30'. At the time, being the punk that I was (am), I thought he had enjoyed one scotch too many, and I casually dismissed his comments as dinner chit-chat aided by the magic of good ol' Johnny Walker.

Well I was wrong. I admit it, the man knew of what he spoke.

This year has been a real eye-opener for me. I (finally) have managed to shed the constructs, baggage, and expectations, that I carried around since I graduated from college. I had a such a chip on my shoulder, to prove people wrong, to prove myself, to show what I could do etc. It was a siege mentality and it wore on me over the years. The strong, largely negative, emotions that I used to motivate myself were akin to poison that was slowly liquefying my inner strength. I always felt such tremendous pressure to be successful that I suffered constant anxiety/stress over 'my future'. That would mean constantly self-chastisement for not achieving more in a shorter period of time. I was impatient with myself and with my life. I should there, but instead I'm here. Constantly comparing oneself and berating oneself is a terrible waste of a day. I spent 7 years doing that.

So what's different now? Well for one, all that I aim for in life is for my own satisfaction. I'm no longer compelled to justify my 'success' (or lack thereof) in comparison to others. Secondly, I realize it's in my power to merge the life I want with the life that I have. It's well within my power to achieve the outcomes I desire- it's amazing how our self-limiting beliefs can be our be your largest obstacle. And finally, I realize that I want to leave my imprint on life, I don't want to stumble to obscurity and inevitability- that all the hardship, solitude, and effort is worth something beyond my years on this planet.

*I met the same uncle on a recent visit to SF and he said he was impressed with my clarity regarding life/outcomes. He also said that I was too serious and grumpy, and I should learn to enjoy the journey to my goals. I, of course, thought he had enjoyed one scotch too many, and I casually dismissed his comments...