Rules for Watching Movies

1) Arrive at the theater before the previews start- it's imperative to see the previews, they are part of the cinematic experience

2) Arriving early also ensures optimal seating- preferably half way up and slightly to the left. Sitting dead-center, while popular, is a fallacy- you have no point of focus (seriously what are you supposed to look at?). Slightly to the left ensures you have a natural left-to-right point of view that we're accustomed to from reading books in western civilization.

3) All bathroom visits, food purchases etc. must be made prior to sitting down

4) There's no point in watching a movie that has already started. 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 10 minutes is irrelevant, you've missed the beginning AND you've annoyingly walked in front of people getting to your seats. Very lame. Which leads to...

5) Questions- preferably don't ask any questions during the movie- typically most, if not all, things will be explained during the course of the movie. Look everybody has questions during a movie, however, most (smart) people ask the question in their own mind, not out loud. There's no point. You're interrupting people. Destroying the movie-watching experience. Your question will be answered, just wait. If you can't figure out what's going on, well you're probably just stupid, in which case there are greater things you should be worried about rather than what x said to y. Seriously, you're fucked.

6) Don't get up to go to the bathroom, just hold it in. If it's really unbearable, then wait for a 'lull' in the movie, and get out of the aisle asap (however exercise this option only in extreme emergencies i.e. pee-pee dancing, both hands in the crotch, legs crossed can't hold it in emergencies). Or just pee in your seat, you deserve it for having minimal bladder control. And for not effectively managing your thirst-to-bladder capacity ratio.

7) Don't bring your annoying little kids to the movies- they're small, fidgety, thirsty, pee-pee, easily bored, etc etc. Just get a babysitter you cheapskate.

I just realized we need to establish a set of rules for watching movies at home...more soon nerds!