The Dynanmics of Airplane Seating

For the purposes of this post, we are going to assume a standard wide-body 3 seat configuration, in coach/economy class, which is full- that means you will have (random) people sitting in every one of those tiny seats. Let's start off with the middle seat, and just get it out of the way:

- The Middle Seat- a.k.a. the 'Bitch Seat'. It sucks. It has no redeeming qualities. Avoid it like the plague. You're dealing with nuisance in stereo...essentially fighting a war on two fronts- The War of the Arm Rests. Like Napolean, Hitler, and other warmongers have aptly demonstrated, a war on two fronts is a losing cause. The middle seat sucks, capisce?

Now, lets saunter over to the crowd favorite...

- The Aisle Seat- Ah you hear them at the check-in line, "Oh can I have an aisle seat, puh-lease?". If they score one, they feel like they won a prize, or somehow using a modern-day Jedi mindtrick outsmarted the airline drone, or miraculously managed to squeeze an extra drop of value from the dry lemon that is modern airline travel. Suckers. The aisle seat is a fallacy. Let's analyze the value equation, the first attribute is:

Aisle Seat Utility1 = freedom to move about
Now let me ask you this, how often during the course of a long flight do you actually go for a walk?
"Excuse me Sir, where are you going?"
"Oh I thought I'd grab my (suddenly) mysterious toiletbag and stroll over to first class, maybe even check out the action in the cockpit"
- Cue pepper spray and one-way ticket to Gitmo
And for going to the bathroom- how often to you actually use the bathroom once a flight is in progress, once? If you need to use the bathroom multiple times, you're not optimizing my thirst-to-bladder capacity ratio (see post on Movie Rules). Also why in the name of all things holy, would you WANT to use an airplane bathroom x hours into a flight? I'm a hygiene-snob and somehow exposing any part of myself, especially vital organs/orficii, to that germ-pit just seems like a really, really bad idea. Gee, how'd I get flesh-eating bacteria that's eating my nuts? Hmmmmmmm....moron.

Aisle Seat Utility2= the infamous, Look I can stretch my leg! Weeee!
Now I'm 6'1, which is relatively tall. And I even have the obligatory gimpy bad knee (old basketball injury). I need to stretch. It is near (I wanted to use 'neigh' but I was a bit intimidated, it seemed too old english- like ye olde shoppe shop) impossible to stretch your leg for ANY (no pun intended) extended period of time with out getting poked, prodded, pushed, stepped, or generically disturbed in the aisle. Seat pegs for the row in front of you are centered in the middle. That means typically the aisle seat has DRASTICALLY reduced leg space in front. Forget stashing your bag there for easy access, where's your leg going to go? the aisle?? the signal to noise ratio is far to high.

Now, let's look at the actual COSTS:
1. Getting up because Bitch Seat, or Window needs to go to the bathroom
2. Getting up because Bitch Seat, or Window have come back from the bathroom
- now ideally they both go at the same time, however they are entitled a visit each so you can actually be expected to get up/sit down at least 4 times (2x2)
3. Seat backs have been reduced in size- it's virtually guaranteed that your shoulder will overhang. Look here comes the trolley...said trolley is about to blindside unsuspecting shoulder...unsuspecting shoulder is molested, and all you get is a deep meaningful, 'Oh sorry'. Fuckers.
4. Sleeping- forget it, you have no leaning options. You can't lean into the aisle, because of Trolley Danger.
5. Americans, generally speaking are fat- all those said Americans sitting behind you will use your aisle seat as an anchor to lift themselves out, into the aisle. Fun!
6. Seat pegs in front of you are centered in the middle. So the aisle seat has DRASTICALLY reduced leg space in front. Forget stashing your bag there for easy access, where's your leg going to go? Oh in the aisle well...

Hopefully I've clearly established that aisle costs > aisle benefits! Now granted you do have a potential benefit of maneuverability in the case of an emergency landing, but in the past 10 years think of all the people who have survived plane crashes because of their aisle seat. Exactly.

- The Window- a.k.a. The Best:
1) Clear leaning options
2) No disturbance
3) YOU control whether bitch or aisle gets disturbed!
4) They pass drinks, food, pretzels to you! No work needed!
5) You can STRETCH (use the secret corridor under the front seat's arm rest)

Final thoughts: look traveling in coach sucks. My recommendation is to fly business class (at least), especially internationally. Believe me it's worth it. If you ever wonder where have all the educated, civilized people gone? We're sitting up here in business/first class, sipping champagne, stretching our legs, and laughing at all the huddled masses sitting in coach. Suckers!